Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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