yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
