My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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