My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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