The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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