my phone needs a breathalizer
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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