fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
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