dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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