if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
