I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
