did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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