John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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