an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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