it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
