me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
