I only kidnapped one of them. chill
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
