I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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