I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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