She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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