i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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