The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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