yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
