remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
