It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
