I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
