mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
