If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
