im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
