guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
