Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
