If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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