At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
