I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
