We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
