my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
