cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
