How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
