it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
