i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i drank out of a bidet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
