just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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