Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I skipped work to stalk him.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
