Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize