i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
