put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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