the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Enjoy the penises
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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