my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
