just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
