the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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