I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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