there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
