I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
