3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
