Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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