Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
