And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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