I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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