I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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