mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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