but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
