Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
