Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Randomize
