piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We are all done wearing pants today
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
