So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
