I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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